Inspired by the song "Sex Money Feelings Die" by Lykke Li.
PLEASE READ: I've been away for a while taking care of my mental state as well as trying to maintain my job and grades. I apologize for leaving you guys for so long, which is why I have Anjanaee publishing her work so that you guys don't forget about Chrysanthemum Pages. :) I hope you guys understand my prioritizing my health and taking a break. I will be more consistent from here on out with you guys. That being said, I hope you enjoy this long awaited piece. I adore you guys and thank you for reading in advance!
- Mei A.
I smiled at the man in front of me, and in all honesty, I couldn’t remember his name. Of course, the wine could be to blame, but that would be a stretch. I knew what was going to happen, and as always, I would allow it. I wanted it. He looked at me with such an eagerness and kid-like excitement in his ocean blue eyes. He was cute and I could tell he wanted me without him saying a word. I felt nothing when I was hugged by him. I had no time for feelings. I couldn’t afford to be vulnerable. Not anymore. I got up and walked towards him, abandoning the wine glass on the kitchen counter and beginning to unzip my dress. I smirked with every ounce of seductiveness I had in me. In the morning, I’d leave here and block him everywhere. It would be like I never existed in the first place.
What a shame. Another heart broken.
“GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM FOR FUCKS SAKE, NADIA!”, screamed my best friend Marley. She was banging on the door at this point, doing anything to speed up my process. I looked at the door and rolled my eyes. “I’ll be done in 5, Mars.”, I replied. She sighed loudly and I heard as her steps got further and further. I looked back into the mirror and analyzed my reflection. I placed my hands on the sink and leaned forward, trying to make sure I saw every part of me - I had no room for error. My artificially flaming red, curly hair was now straightened into a bob that didn’t go past my shoulders. My dark makeup complimented my hazel eyes that I had inherited from my mother - I had the same golden ring around the outer pupil as she did and with the dark makeup, it looked almost yellow. My full, cosmetically plumped lips were painted with a red that matched my hair perfectly; almost as if they were made in the same factory. I shifted back and took a look at my outfit for tonight’s outing - a black leather corset with a matching black mini skirt, similar to the outfit that Paris Hilton had worn. I smiled into the mirror, revealing my white teeth that were slightly gapped, yet fit perfectly with my diamond encrusted smiley piercing. I fixed the chains around my neck - a short, silver chain and a longer silver pendant with a diamond encrusted heart. I looked at my glasses that laid sprawled on the sink, and opted against putting them on; it’d ruin my outfit anyways.
Feeling satisfied, I quickly slipped on my black 7 inch stilettos and unlocked the door, grabbing my purse before heading out. Marley was kneeling at the living room table cutting up four lines; 2 for each of us. Once we finished, Marley got up and fixed her dress. She looked really pretty today - wearing a black mesh dress and black pasties underneath it to cover her nipples. Her legs were really accentuated with the clear pumps she chose to pair it with. She reached into her purse that was laying on the couch and pulled out a compact mirror, checking her reflection and fixing her long blonde hair that complimented her dark complexion beautifully. She looked mesmerizing. I would have told her this, but no matter how many times I repeated it, she would deny it. She looked at me and flashed a smile. “Let’s do this.”
We arrived at the club and flashed our IDs to the bouncer, passing him each $20 so he would keep quiet about our fakes. He knew us by now so he didn’t mind it anymore, as long as we had the money of course. The music was so loud that it felt as though I was caught within its waves of sound. I grabbed onto Marley’s hand so that we wouldn’t lose each other this early into the night. As we walked up to the bar and ordered two shots of Patron and gin and tonics, we looked around the bar for our lucky victims. I locked eyes with a tall and slender man with long brown curly hair that was pulled into a low ponytail. He smiled at me; the same smile they all give. It’s like boys have a manual on how to act with women that they were given once they were born, they all acted the same. I knew I was gonna go with him and I didn’t mind, so I smiled at him; a small seductive smile that drove them all insane.
Ever since me and my boyfriend had broken up, I’ve just wanted to feel alive, to find the love I had felt with him in anyone. I spent every weekend going home with different men trying to see if I could make love to him through them, to see if I could fill the void of not having him. The night he left me, I cried like never before. I couldn’t understand how he could hurt me so bad and leave when I needed him most. How pathetic of me to have high hopes, to plan a future and willingly give this man my all. I hated him. I loathed him, despised him even. But oh how much I missed him. How much I craved to go back in time and cherish the small moments with him and ensure that nothing went wrong. I missed being in his arms, laughing with him and having a best friend as a partner.
“You want some molly Nadia?”. Marley turned and looked at me, handing me a plastic baggie containing two colored tablets. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back. “You know I don’t do that shit Mars.” Her arm dropped and she frowned. “You never do it. At least give it a try once Nadia.” Our friends, Angel and Roxanne, snickered. They were sitting on the edge of Marley’s bed, watching our encounter until Angel turned to Roxxy and whispered loudly, “You know she’s not gonna do it, she’s such a pussy. Remind me why we keep her around again?”. Roxanne let out the loudest laugh, close to the howl of a wolf on a full moon. I glared at them, fed up. “You know what?”, I said, looking at Marley, “I’ll do it.” She smiled and handed me a tablet. I took it and swallowed it whole - no water needed. I opened my mouth to show that I had taken it and showed it to Angel and Roxxy. They both looked at me in shock. “Let’s go”, I said, grabbing my purse and heading out.
As we got in the back of the car-with me claiming the left window seat-we greeted our friends Amari and Travis who were sitting in the front seats. Amari, who was driving, turned back to us and asked, “We really going to this club? It’s like 30 minutes away AND it’s Friday, there’s going to be traffic.” “Amari, just drive.”, responded Angel to her brother. I giggled and laid back in my seat, trying to calm my mind. What if he was out with another girl right now? What if he loves her like he loved me? What would I do if I saw him walking down the street with her? I found myself lost in my thoughts when I felt a nudge. I turned to look at Marley who nodded her head towards the window. Her dark brown eyes contained pupils that were so dilated, it was like I was looking into the abyss. I looked towards the direction in which she nodded and I could see how the street lights just swam past me rapidly. I was amazed, completely fascinated by what I saw. It felt like it was a scene from a movie. The colors swam past me in such a rush, as if they had somewhere to be. Traces of bright red colors and neon lights bounced off my eyes, and I laughed at the feeling. I looked out the window and watched as we passed a couple laughing and kissing.
“You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, Nadia.” I looked up at him, staring into those enticing sleepy eyes of his. He kissed my neck, wrapping his arms around to cradle my head. The smell of his strong cinnamon spice cologne overpowered my nose, making me weak to my knees, as he whispered into my ear, “I’ll never leave you Nadia.”
“Nadia, you okay girl?”, said Mars, looking into my eyes with mere concern. I nodded and smiled, assuring her it was okay. She nodded, still not believing me, passing me the bottle of liquor we had brought with us. I took it and poured some into my mouth, closing my eyes tightly in hopes that it’d make the burning sensation go away.
And these memories of him.
“Damn girl”, said Angel, looking at me with a smug smirk. “You really wanna have fun tonight, huh?” I rolled my eyes and moved to stick my head out the window when Marley tapped me. “You wanna take a bump or two?”, she asked me, her eyes glistening and wide. I smiled and sat down, taking the two bumps she had lined up for me on her phone. I raised my head and pinched my nose, taking deep breaths. I glanced at Marley and caught her staring at me. My best friend, my platonic lover. She was glowing and bouncing with joy.
“We’re here guys.”
As we stepped in, the club was packed. It was dark, aside from the lights that strobed every now and then. Even then, you could see that there were so many people having a good time, and like us, having a more heightened and extravagant time. I danced until my feet grew tired and drank until my stomach couldn’t hold anymore. It was time for me to find my buddy for the night. I looked around and caught the sight of a man who seemed to be a perfect fit; tall, yet with an athletic build. Not too muscular, but not the type you’d wanna mess with either. He wore a light gray tee with dark jeans and Air Jordan Retros. He had a drink in his hand but he seemed to not be having a good time. That’s where I’d come in, naturally. I stumbled towards him, making it my mission to leave with him. As I got closer I began to smell his cinnamon spice cologne. He was beautiful. The most beautiful man ever - I wanted him. I wanted to wrap my arms around him, and kiss him under these lights. To remind him that I love-
“-you. I love you Nadia, but I have to go. I need to become a better person, not only for me, but for us. I need to become the man you deserve.”, he said, tears in his eyes. I slowly turned my head to face him. “All this time. All this love that I gave you, and all those times you deceived me again and again. NOW you want to become the man that you think I deserve? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT I DESERVE? IT DAMN SURE WASN’T EVERYTHING YOU PUT ME THROUGH.”, I yelled walking towards him, grasping the knife I was using to cut the cucumbers with. “WHEN ALL I DID WAS STAY BY YOU, AND FORGAVE YOU AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. NOW YOU CHOOSE TO LEAVE.”, I yelled louder, tears streaming down my face. Each step I took forward, he took double back. “Nadia, please.”, he sobbed. “We need this.” I dropped down to my knees in defeat. I was scaring him. He must think I’m insane. I’ve lost him. I looked up at him, one more time. “Please.” He crouched next to me, and whispered in my ear, embracing me in his arms, masking me with his warmth. “I love you, Nadia. I’ll always be yours and only yours. You’re mine always-”
“-Nadia.”, he said before catching me as I passed out.
Comments